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Titanique, London, review and star rating: ★★★★
“I know you know the words because, let’s face it, you’re all gay,” says Celine Dion, her mic thrown towards the audience, one great throng of Titanic stans who’ve been waiting all night for this moment.
It arguably took too long, but they got what they paid for: Welsh singer Lauren Drew gutsily belting the final verse of My Heart Will Go On, closing out a show so camp it causes brain freeze.
I can’t wait to hear what the bridge and tunnel brigade will make of Titanique. Marketed as a fairly earnest musical adaptation of the film, it is probably the most brazenly weird thing on in the West End right now. Here’s the plot: Celine herself is one of the passengers on board the fated inaugural trip of the HMS Titanic.
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This is more like an east London queer cabaret show than heteronormative homage. A handful of octogenarian women were certainly looking confused on press night.
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It’s basically a chaotic unravelling of meta nonsense that loosely retells the story from the film by enlisting the best West End musical stars, including former Strictly contestant and man-who’s-in-everything Layton Williams. As the singing musical Iceberg (yes, you read that correctly) Williams connects so intimately with the audience that everyone in the stalls feels as if he’s winking at them personally.
Stardust is not so much sprinkled as dumped on every scene, and nine out of ten of them are show tunes. Famous diva hits help tell the story of the ship and its characters. The best track is Williams’ Iceberg doubling as Tina Turner for a rendition of River Deep Mountain High (don’t try and make sense of any of this: this iceberg fancies singing some Tina so that’s what she does). If you’ve ever wondered what a dancing iceberg doubling as Tina Turner looks like on stage, it is so extra that Williams illicits mid-act standing ovations. Elsewhere I Drove All Night, Beauty & The Beast and Tell Him wildly fuse edgy cabaret with barnstorming singing.
Stephen Guarino typifies how little co-authors Martha Mindelle and Constantine Rousouli care about servicing the plot. His drag version of Rose’s beleaguered mum Ruth involves plenty of hilariously unhinged bits, including one scene where she basically has a huge breakdown and regurgitates just about every viral meme that’s ever been posted on the Love of Huns Instagram, including “I’m not your mother!” from EastEnders and Gemma Collins’ “I’m claustrophobic Darren!” Big Brother reference, though other comedic parts are more hit and miss.
To give some idea of the tone, Darren Bennett’s Captain character has the ship going too fast so he can be on time for his hair appointment in Manhattan when the Titanic hits the iceberg.
Jordan Luke Gage hilariously subverts the character of Rose’s high class lover Cal by queering him, reshaping him into a slippery but powerless satire on wealth. Luke Gage is great, giving Jack a sort of lecherous villain energy that makes your skin crawl. Rob Houchen has a subtler satirical role to fill by looking and acting the part of a ’90s DiCaprio-moulded pretty boy. It’s really all about Celine, and Drew is astonishing, nailing the singer entirely, from her French-Canadian droll to the way she does that awkward, endearing sideways shuffle when she sings. She can tone it back too: when she takes a belt seriously, the crowd silences.
Ultimately, Tye Blue’s relentless direction will overstimulate even the most ardent Celine Dion/Titanic fans, even those who go out to gay clubs to watch drag shows every weekend. It’s a lot, but in a way, I suppose that makes it even more camp. As much as I was exhausted by the curtain, I’ll admit I do want it all over again.
Titanique plays at The Criterion until 30 March
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